A good, long, and hard cry....

And that's what happened when my mom asked me if I was doing okay. Dang it, moms have a way of making it all come out. There I was, sitting on the driveway using Johanna's phone since mine tanked, sobbing. I was desperate for my mom to feed me crumbs of truth on who I am, where I am and how to live. I needed her to make sense of my purpose right here and now, as I battle my desire to run away. That's what I'm usually tempted to do when I start having to face the trials in my life that I've tirelessly tried distracting myself from. I guess you could use the term, "shit hit the fan"...I started coming out with issues I've been too prideful to admit too for a long time. Almost as quickly as the words were coming out of my mouth, I realized the unhealthiness of my thoughts and feelings. Real, negative views of myself and subsequently, of God. Hurt and confused on what the hell I'm supposed to be doing in life. And worn out of spending years pouring into friends and their boyfriend issues. Quite frankly, I'm sick of being on a boat in a way different ocean then those surrounded by me. Its like I joined a chess club and I console all the chess players with their strategy and spend a significant amount of time of investing in the chess player, but I've never played chess...after a while, you get bored, unamused and annoyed of chess and you just want to play something you know, like checkers.

Not sure if I'm following where I'm going...the point being, its pretty damn difficult to be faithful and grateful when you feel like you're the only one. But thats the whole point in growth, right? It's all about the struggle...

Good grief... it never gets old, does it.