July 2, 2010

Smiling is my favorite.

You know those quotes, "You can tell a lot about a person by (fill in the blank)" well, its true. People can "tell" or see, and observe things about you. Its funny because we don't always see what other people see. We are blind to our ways most of the time. Maybe its self-denial, or a lack of maturity but nonetheless we don't have the outside perception that others have on our lives.

Its a discipline to step outside yourself and try and see who you are, based on how others view you. That sounds confusing, but its not. Its about being more self-aware. I recently have stumbled upon several things about myself. When I say several I mean this whole past year and beyond. Its tricky because when you step outside and become more aware of the repercussions your words and actions have, one of two possibilities can happen. One being you become self-rejecting and struggle with actually liking who you are and two, you become bitter and prideful. I recently dabbled in both those areas.

I have a point...Today, I was going through "my box". Being one of seven, we each have our own box full of keepsakes and pictures. I stumbled upon notes that I wrote to my mom, pictures I drew when I was a toddler and a letter from my preschool teacher. The letter was telling my parents about what a joy I was to have in preschool and different things that my teacher had observed about my disposition. It was amazing and humorous at the same time to see that I have not really changed at all. "Susan is always wearing a smile. Susan is very outgoing and plays well with other children. She is very creative and loves to paint with bright colors. She loves to run free when we play outside and always keeps an open mind about any new activity we all do together. There is very little that Susan doesn't enjoy, which includes reading time all together. Susan seems very uninterested in the books we read and she would much rather be playing with a doll."

Its true, I hate reading. Really, it sucks because people become so obsessed with Harry Potter, Twilight and other fantasy books. I just don't see the point. It still is very uninteresting to me. The only things I truly enjoy reading are realistic books that pertain to politics, religion or philosophy. It's sad, I wish I liked reading more imaginative books.

Going through all that stuff reminded me of who I am. It was refreshing and a wake up call in a sense. Its always good to get feed back from others. Who do they see me to be? Is that person who I want to be? If not, then lets make the necessary changes. Looking through my box I rediscovered who I am and what is important to me. It was obvious with the many "apology" letters that I wrote to my mom after we had a fight, that living in harmony with others is very important to me. It still is. Even as a little girl I was always "wearing a smile" because that is who I am. I'm adventurous and open to new things. I'm outgoing and love to be creative.

These last couple of weeks presented a downward spiral into depression...I'm not claiming that reading my preschool teachers letter, or reading old notes to my mom somehow brought me back to the joyful person I am...but it was that simple reminder. This is who God created me to be, and why would I ever reject it or try and rise above it?

I am truly miss understood by a lot of people, and its painful but I also recognize that it's not my fault. I'm done with feeling down on who I am. I'm ready to just live it and live it for Jesus. If I truly trusted Him with my heart when I was 6 years old, then I better trust Him with it today. Trust that He made me who I am for His purpose, not my own and that He is not done molding and shaping me. What an encouragement to know to be the truth!

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." {Philippians 1:6}


GLB said...

your smile is the best.

Kate said...

I love your personality!