May 13, 2010

"Cause I need freedom now And I need to know how To live my life as it's meant to be"

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
{{Awake My Soul-Mumford & Sons}}

Last night I drove and drove and drove until I was on the narrow country side roads. Speeding my way through with the windows down and blaring Mumford & Sons. The air was so thick and i could smell the overgrown honeysuckle trees. No city lights. Just fireflies surrounding me in the fields. I stopped at this high point that over looked a valley of hills, got out of my car and just sat. Until I realized how dangerous it was since there was no shoulder and I was sitting on the road.

I was shaking. Furious. Sad. Hurt.

Some of the most intense conversations were had between God and I.

Here is the truth. My heart refuses to harden, even when I try to be bitter. Its like God in cased it with his protection. Sometimes I just wish I was one of those people who have steel boxes around their heart, and nothing penetrates it. At least they go through life not feeling hurt. Probably not feeling love or much of anything. Sometimes I just want to be numb. But no. Something inside of me is much stronger then my weak flesh. I wasn't going to give in.

I'm frustrated. I didn't ask for this. But God allowed for it to happen. Now I deal with the consequences, alone. At least I own up to it. I have to thank my mom for that, she ingrained in my mind that you own up to your wrong doings, make the necessary steps in making things right. Deal with your conflict before the sun goes down. That's hard to do when your the only one willing.

All I was asking for was to know the purpose behind everything. The infamous question that's thrown at Gods feet, "Why?" There is one thing that I am never willing to waiver on, and that is taking control of my own heart. I will always bring myself to the foot of the cross and place my heart in His hands. Continue to trust, even though I don't understand.

I wonder sometimes how that can be? That someone who has no answers, weakened faith, and a broken heart can still crawl back to the king of kings and surrender all.

I think thats what you call love.


GLB said...

beautiful words.

Kate said...

This makes me sad, but I think you're right. It's better to deal with stuff instead of ignoring it until it becomes truly destructive. I still wish I could give you a hug, or at least some encouragement.