February 23, 2010

I understand.

This is what I think:

John Mayer says "the heart of life is good"...with out going into a theological discussion on "life" and what "good" means, I generally live my life with a world outlook similar to that. I mostly choose to see the positive things in life. It's a choice. I subconsciously do not think about possibilities, ideas or themes if they pertain to negativity. This can be very idealistic and shy very far from reality. To others i may seem very "aloof" or a "wish full thinker". It's come to my attention that this is the case for me. I used to pride on being the positive polly, until college. My thinking and perception of the world we live in has changed and continues to change and evolve. This is okay with me. I like change, generally speaking. I don't feel the need to stay within the lines or follow traditions and I don't categorize my life into boxes with labels. I prefer to connect everything and I expect things to change. Just like most people, I believe that everyone does or at least should see life the way I see it.

I may bring life to otherwise dull people or situations, or laughter and a free spirit, but I lack. I lack the other perspective of life. The side I have for so long seen as negative, boring, life-less and dream ruining. Instead of acknowledging that perspective, I tried to change people or manipulate situations so that they catered to my world view. Because, "everyone should be happy and positive all the time, because life is great and negativity is life sucking, and party pooping."

here is what i am learning: you can't manipulate reality.

I understand and I'm okay with it. I don't like that I only choose to live in la la land. I want to be more well rounded. That is my intention.

There is so much more to what makes me, me. I thought for so long that I just wanted to be understood. I think I thought that because I truly believe that once someone knows my heart and understand me, they would accept me.

I'm choosing to look at things with a full spectrum. The good and the bad. The positive and the negative. I still have dreams, I still am a person full of zest and life. I am still Susan. But I am now aware.

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