January 4, 2010
Real and Raw: My fears of rejection, trust and taking risks
I watched a movie called "Serious Moonlight" starring actress Meg Ryan. Most Meg Ryan movies I love such as; When harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail just to name a few, but this was one of my least favorites of her. Synopsis: A high-powered attorney duct tapes her adulterous husband to the toilet ... right before their home is invaded by burglars. It's a love/hate comedy. The plot sounds hilarious, and very entertaining as you can imagine, but it had a disturbing effect on me.
Naturally, the psycho-analytical person I am, I carefully went through all the plausible reasons why this struck me to the core. Also, (naturally) it wasn't till I verbally processed my discomfort over the film with my mom that I realized what deep root it touched.
I was appalled at the easiness it was for the husband to say to his wife, "I don't love you anymore, I'm sorry but we aren't the same people anymore that we were when we first got married". Ouch. That really scares me. I mean, getting married is a big deal...you proclaim in front of all those people and God, "till death do us part". That is not something you can up and throw away when you "fall out of love". Sorry Charlie, you make a life time commitment like that and there is no getting out of it. You can't just run from conflict! People who can't face their own problems or the ones they create are cowards. The husband was acting like a coward. Be a man for goodness sake, face your wife and your marital problems and take the necessary steps in at least trying to resolve the conflict.
Well, unfortunately our culture see's it otherwise. Divorce isn't so taboo any more, and is very common these days. That's so sad. Talking this over with my mother who has been married to my father for 25ish ( i cant remember, I'm a bad daughter) years, she started to assume that her and dads marital problems are why this was so disturbing for me. Yes, my parents spewing hurtful, nasty words towards each other for years, in return pushed them to an ultimatum of counseling or calling a lawyer, effected me as a sophomore in high school, but that's not really what got me going.
Fear. That's what the disturbance caused me to feel. Realizing that whoa, people can fail you, nothing is promised to last forever (but Christ) and that someone can have a heart change, really scares me. It makes me to never want to get married. I couldn't handle that kind of rejection.
You have two hands here: First of all everyone wants to relate to someone on a deep intimate and personal level, i.e. a relationship. And no one wants to be lonely. But all this requires one thing that makes people hesitant, trust. Its a trust issue. Trusting someone else with your vulnerability. Risking that "what if" and running after love. Sounds kind of cheesy, but I guarantee everyone will be in a place in their life someday when they realize they just want to be loved and in return they want to love.
Maybe it was that I related to Meg Ryan's character. Her husband criticized characteristics I posses; opinionated, talkative, loud, a dominant personality, strong willed etc. These aren't bad, but they are who she is, and she can try to "tone" it down, but she can't change them all together. It got me thinking, "What if the person I marry suddenly doesn't love me anymore and the very things that make me, me are what he despises most and gets annoyed with." ding, ding, ding! raw truth. a real fear.
My mom made some things real clear for me. First of all, its true...you know that triangle diagram that pastors love to use when describing two significant others and God? Well, what happens when one of the spouses stops seek Christ and diverges from the path? A heart change possibly? Sin enters and screws everything up and before you know it affairs happen. Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy. Satan is not some made up villain from a fairy tale, he exists and continues to do his dirty work in peoples lives.
So what am I getting at here? Root problem: Trust. Do I trust God? Trust God so far to say that He is big enough to deal with problems that I don't already have, and could possibly (but lets be realistic here) never have? Yeah sure, I trust "His plan" for my life, the whole lump sum. But this particular and specific part? Do I trust God enough to obey him? Enough to take risks? Maybe this is the root of other problems I have too, this whole trust issue. I used to freely trust people, maybe that was naive. I know from myself well enough that people are rotten to the core, and to really trust someone is a big deal. Sin baby cakes, its what effs all this up.
Grace, suga pie. ITS WHAT WE ALL NEED. Understanding how rotten we are and repenting for it, it's then that we receive His Grace. That's when you get saved, you know. When you repent out of the understanding of what a wicked sinner you are, and just how much you need Him. It's key, and foundational to life, understanding and experiencing grace. In all relationships you have, even with friends, grace enables you to own up to wrong doings, forgive and forget. It's what prevents bitterness.
My mom ended the evening by saying, "Susan, you should write a book about this". phahaha, oh mother...I practically wrote a novel here.