Usually my thoughts are at the door waiting to get out when I sit down to write. I haven't written in a while and it's not because I have nothing to say. Just the opposite, but where to begin?
For weeks now I have been wrestling with wanting clarity. My prayer life was bombarded with pleads from my heart for wisdom and understanding. To my amazement, God didn't open the floodgates on me with what my heart desired, right when I desired it. He waited...and waited until I finally got pissed and gave up. "What the hell do you want, God!? I don't even want this anymore-"...
It's a pattern in my life. I flail my arms about like a pouting child when I don't get what I want, when I want it. It's at that point that I go even farther and ask the question that every kid does in the grocery store when their mom refuses to purchase the candy bar..."But, but, but whyyyyyyyy?"
haha. I know pathetic, right? I'm sure God is amused. Not. The reply from that mom in the grocery store almost always is met with a wail from the disappointed child, "Because I said so!" haha. Why is that never good enough? That's God's answer to me all the time and I can never seem to let it go.
Here is what I'm discovering: I don't know whats best for me and when is best. I can not and would not trust my heart to find my own way in life, so why the discontent? Control. Its a control issue. When I'm behind the wheel and a friend or parent tries to tell me how to drive, WHEW! Watch out.
I've recognized this battle for control and have reluctantly surrendered it. Walking in freedom feels...freeing? Anyway, its a battle over my flesh and its one I face nearly everyday. I'm learning humility through a teachable heart and seeking His wisdom and understanding. It's probably the best place to be, but that doesn't mean its fun times always. Then again conditioning the heart never promises to be a picnic in the park, but the results always prove to be worth it.