The weirdest part of looking back through old emails is seeing what I couldn't see then. Its supposed to be comforting to see the growth in my life, but I can't help but wince at some of the situations where my insecurity and pride engulfed my words. It's sickening to think I allowed my heart to desperately want things that were and will never be, right.
Dr. Castleman (my new testament professor), said in class today about how things happen in life that we can't explain, that even when we pray for someone sick to be healed, they die and we're left disappointed. It is a true test of our faith, that even when we had all the faith in the Lord stepping into our situation to save the day, He doesn't always give us what we desperately want. But do you trust him? Do you trust His character? "God is not a vending machine...you don't get to put your faith in and you receive what you want all of the time..." That is what the Christian life is all about; putting our faith and trust in God, that He knows what is best no matter what.
It's hard to re-read conversations saved and see a desperate girl, driven by pride, dripping with insecurity and unable to see the dead end path that she so willingly chose. As much as I hate knowing that I said and acted upon my hearts desire for things that broke me, I needed to be broken. How will I ever know if my faith is real if I don't put it in practice? I didn't choose to trust until I was broken and now its all I want, to want for my life.