August 25, 2010

i don't write poems...

Clarity is not just something that John Mayer sings about... I find myself praying for clarity in life more then anything. I wish I had faith strong enough that I didn't have to know "why" with everything in life... Every so often though, God lets me in on what's going on and it always leaves me dumb founded, drooling on myself. Just completely in awe of who God is.

Am I an alien to half of me? There are times when I want to be wild and crazy and say "screw the world, lets be reckless!" And other times when all I want, is to live my life with purpose. The kind of purpose that serves the poor, loves the lost and leaves me completely captivated by the One who is love. When at the end of the day, I can honestly say that I've been His hands and feet.

It is the inner battle of my soul and flesh, that no one gets to see. The window into my heart is not found through facebook or on center stage, when I'm in front of 15 other people. It is in the moments when I am alone and mostly myself, when I've quieted my heart before Him...that is when my heart is in its truest form.

I've noticed that the truth is easily grasped in our brokenness. When I'm numb to sarcastic snide remarks about how "emotional" I am. When anger is too much of an effort. When my fingers start to ache as I loose grip on my own pride. When my throat feels heavy like its going to drop to my feet at any moment. When breathing through my nose is no longer an option. When the people who have hurt me only stir up feelings of regret. When I drag myself to the foot of the cross and can't even lift my own head. When I throw up my arms and surrender saying, "Are you happy now?" That's when I know truth, that's when I get my clarity.

It is when I'm striving that clarity is clouded. When distractions seep in, when my own fleshly desires scream contrary to the beat of my heart and when sin looks more satisfying then life.

Moments in my own brokenness are when I realize that this life is not what it seems...its more.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. {1Corinthians 12:9-10}

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